ARRGGHHH, I Could Scream!!!

I am soo pissed off right now. I just got off the phone with the therapist’s office and they have no record of my appointment Saturday afternoon. I made the appointment a month ago to get evaluated for medication so I can get some help with my depression and anxiety.  I have been waiting a month for this. It took me about a month to finally tell my therapist that I thought I needed a medication. I mulled it over way too long because I have heard so many horror stories from other bloggers about negative side effects and having to try med after med to find something that would work. And I thought I was doing the right thing by calling to confirm the appointment.  We are expected to get five inches of snow or more on Saturday and I knew the office would be shut down.  This town shuts down if we get a dusting and don’t get me started about the half-brained drivers. So I called hoping to get a cancellation today or tomorrow. Instead I get  “Sorry, we don’t have any record of your appointment.”

Proper form would probably dictate that I not start a new paragraph here but I really needed to take a deep breath so the space there, that’s just me taking a deep breath. The string of expletives that shot through my mind are not fit to be printed here. Fortunately my mind was in control of the tongue and woman on the other has no idea just how pissed I am!  So after releasing my death grip on kitchen counter where I was standing I decided I needed to vent, Err, blog.  Then searching google images I found Buddha’s quote, so much truth to that.  Plus I’m now munching on a buttered blueberry bagel and sipping on a hot cup of Chocolate Nut Caramel Breakfast Blend from Bean Traders beanroasters and coffeeslingers of Durham, North Carolina.  Yuum.  I love visiting Bean Traders every time we visit my daughter in Durham. So, all that to say Barn is in a better place and all the steam that I released is keeping the coffee warm.  Haha!  🙂

But seriously how do they do that?  All day long they deal with people who have all kinds of mental health issues and they screw up a simple appointment.  Don’t they have a clue the kind of effect it has on the patients?  Oh, they did find room for me early afternoon Monday but that means I miss a day of work and I was told it was a “Fit-in” so they will probably rush me in an out.  Guess I will be asking about Anger Management classes too!

Ironic, I have been dealing with anger in therapy too.  Anger towards myself, my mother and father, and my wife M. My therapist told me that M was enabling my porn addiction, if I was meeting my needs with porn then she wouldn’t have to.  That pissed me off too!  So I’m looking at porn and fantasizing that it is her and she is good with it because she doesn’t have to be with me. Makes me want to cry, more. Maybe this is TMI but when I look at porn it is women my age, amateurs, women whose bodies tell a story, a life story, there is real beauty in that.  What it comes down to is I don’t want these other women I want to make love to my wife!  Porn is a dangerous painkiller and a very poor substitute for a real emotional, physical and yes, a spiritual relationship with your spouse. And now I am sad!

All I have left is my Hope and Faith. I am a sinner saved by Grace and I thank God that His Mercies are new everyday!