Insomnia strikes again, no that’s not true, depression has entered the room and insomnia is riding it’s coattails. Three nights now, it’s bad. I’m upset with myself as well, I chickened out. After convincing M we would talk tonite after I returned from men’s group I got cold feet. She was watching something I forget what and then the old fear of rejection slipped in and convinced me to shut up. I have never been good at speaking up for my own needs. I will always give in rather than create a confrontation. It didn’t help that I wanted to talk about male sexuality and my own needs for physical intimacy. I didn’t think she would listen to what I had to say personally so I found a series of short articles about sex & intimacy and a husbands needs in marriage and thought I would just read them with her, they are really well written. You can check them out here. I couldn’t speak about it so eloquently myself so I thought this would open some dialog. I’m not sure how to get her to realize that without physical closeness, sex, I am slowly starving to death and simultaneously drowning in loneliness. I have gone back forty-eight years to being that little boy again. Every night I come to bed alone, shed a few tears then commence rolling over, over and over again in an attempt to sleep, but it never comes. I have almost given up asking God for someone to love me. She’s either in the bed five feet away or in the living room. She never gets the message I guess. I love her but sometimes I have to ask myself why? So, when I tire of spider solitaire I find myself here pouring out my heart hoping I will tire and find some much needed sleep.
I have another therapy appointment this morning but I am thinking of chucking the theophostic prayer healing and asking for an evaluation for an anti-depressant. Right now my faith and hope are running seriously low and I want to chuck the whole holistic approach. Maybe that is just sleep depreviation talking. I should feel a little better because M has told me it’s ok to ask about a referral/advice on who my therapist would recommend that she see but I am not holding my breath. Now it’s time to try that horizontal hold thing again.