I don’t know why this analogy stays stuck in my head but it does. It has been milling about for three or four days now. And this post is not poetry so it’s all quite new to me and, I must admit, a little bit intimidating as I don’t consider myself a writer. Whew, that was a mouthful, see I told ya.
To this point in my blogging career I feel as though I have only provided little glimpses into this heart and mind of mine. Like looking through a porthole when you are unable to move your head left of right to gain a wider view. I believe it is only natural to hold back when you are opening yourself up to folks, especially for the first time. It’s a form of protection, in case we aren’t received favorably and want to avoid humiliation.
So, about the picture window. I remember growing up, for the first eight years of my life we lived in base housing, mostly, in Pearl Harbor, Hawaii. Small, very plain, but functional housing and then we got transferred to Austin, Texas. My father was a Navy Yoeman and as such he managed the personnel office of the ROTC unit at the University Of Texas. (Go Longhorns!) But, in Austin, there was no navy housing. We were going to live on the economy and my folks had to find us our own place. Well, two places actually, 7518 and 7520 Delafield lane. That’s right, at some point we made the move right next door. The second place had a recreation room big enough for a pool table and I soon fancied myself as Minnesota Fats. Well anyway, this was suburbia, bigger houses, garages instead of carports and yes, picture windows. Big windows. I remember thinking we can really see into the whole living room and of course the corollary, they can really see into our whole living room.
Drapes were a necessity of course, except at Christmas. That’s when we wanted to show off our silver aluminum Christmas Tree. With the spinning color wheel light and it’s red, yellow, green and blue gels. It looked rather stunning from the street. The silver tree taking on the different colors as the gels slowly rotated over the light. Those were good times, happy times. Except for the day Kennedy died. I remember it well. He was supposed to be in Austin the very next day.
Now today I think of the picture window differently. It is daunting, even frightening. As I start this program for sexual addiction recovery I feel as though I am being asked to pull the drapes, shoot, remove the drapes entirely from this great big picture window into my heart and soul. Not only that, through this process of weekly confession, acceptance and forgiveness, it feels like a searchlight is on the outside of my window shining in, brightly, very brightly. It is at once humbling, humiliating, and liberating. I know I must, with God’s help, sweep all this crap out of my living room once and for all before I can replace the furniture and redecorate with the Love, Peace and Joy that I so desperately want. I want to thank everyone for all of your encouragement and support. When I started this blog just a few short months ago I never in a million years thought I would find this kind of support and meet so many that I am happy to call friend. My only regret is that I am unable to sit down with each of you over a cup of joe and share our hearts.
I want to leave you with the scripture that inspired the name for the blog and continues to inspire and encourage me every time I read it. Taken from the Living Bible, Psalms 40:1-3
40 I waited patiently for God to help me; then he listened and heard my cry. 2 He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out from the bog and the mire, and set my feet on a hard, firm path, and steadied me as I walked along. 3 He has given me a new song to sing, of praises to our God. Now many will hear of the glorious things he did for me, and stand in awe before the Lord, and put their trust in him.