Milady (in Gratitude)

This is the poem that started it all, that turned me into a blogger  It was written to Tiffany and she asked if she could post it on tiffanybeingfree.com I was honored. I still am but even more so I am appreciative of her love and support, not just with the blog but in my personal journey and my efforts to rekindle my marriage.  I also want to give a shout out to Rita, the two of them tag teamed me LOL! I had no choice but to start a blog! Thank you Ladies, I am forever grateful!

unfiltered from the heart

“Milady” (In Gratitude)

Thank you Milady,
For helping me unlock my heart.
I had locked it up in fear and fright
afraid to feel, to even move,
afraid to lose what I didn’t have
But mostly afraid I didn’t have what it took to fight
To win back the love I had lost, my wife.
You have inspired me to take on the fight of my life
To win her heart again
When the darkness had come again
And despair was overwhelming
You were placed in my path,
to shine a light behind the façade
I presented to the world
You shone your light high,
Revealing the rocky path you are traveling,
Baring your soul, your heartache, unimaginable despair
Pain and suffering
Most importantly
Your fierce will, your courage
and your desire to live
I thank God for you!
We are all but single candles
Burning in the night
Together…

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My Lonely Place

Vittore Buzzi Photo

Vittore Buzzi Photo

My Lonely Place

I burrow into the bedclothes

pulling the covers tight

all the thoughts in my head

blue and gray and lonely

I want them to stop

I want to get away

I try and I try

struggling everyday

to break free of the gloom

that follows in tow

so tiring

this life

all these swirling thoughts

the fading hope

the inner strife

the negative self-talk

i know in my head

that I bought a lie

so why, tell me?

do I keep making payments?

difficult to shake

this image of myself 

i’ve created over decades of time

sometimes

I’m just to tired to fight

empty

exhausted

overwhelmed

come, peaceful sleep

let your slumber take me

from this lonely place

at least

till I wake…..

Writers note:   Some days are just really tough and lonely and in that moment they color the past,the present and the future. It is tiring hiding behind an emoji and a smile. I’m finding that I don’t necessarily have to write but I Need to write.  It’s how I process and heal, so thank you for reading all this depressing shit but getting it out makes my heart lighter!

Barney

Oh God!

divine_intervention-720x340

Image courtesy of Google Images

Oh God

I need you

I need you to hold me

I need you to love me

I need you to help me

To go on

I need your strength

To love me

I need your strength

to love her

I need you to bless her 

To meet her every need

Use me God to meet that need

Let her know you love her

That I love her

Love her through me

Oh God

Please restore

The relationship we never really had

You and me

Me and her

Please continue

To knit us together

Give us the strength

And the courage

To forgive one another

As you have forgiven us

I need more hope

I need more faith

Restore me Oh Lord

I’m in a lonely, forsaken place

Oh God

I need You 

I need you to hold me

I need you to love me

I need your comfort and strength

I need you to help me

To go on

What else is there?

image

Image courtesy of Google Images

 

Love and death

and dying…

What else is there?

That really matters…

As I approach my later years

My biggest fear?

Not death

Or dying

But having never really loved someone

Completely, unashamedly, unconditionally

All-consumingly,

And being loved like this in return

Even more important than the physical expression

Is to know and be known

To accept and be accepted

Can there be any higher expression

Of my hearts’

Or any heart’s desire?

Friendship

friendship

 

I have been thinking about friendship recently and how blessed I am to have the friends in my life that I do, especially my church family and my blogger friends who get to see the real me and still love me despite my many faults.  It all came together for me when I read this quote by C.S.Lewis.

“You will not find the warrior, the poet, the philosopher or the Christian by staring into his eyes as if he were your mistress: better to fight beside him, read with him, argue with him, pray with him.”

Heartfelt gratitude to all of my friends, online and off, who share this wonderful journey with me called life!

Unquenched

home-alone-loneliness-seascape-paintings-screen-319027

 

Artwork courtesy of Margaret Wolfinbarger and Google Images

 

Thirty eight years

And still alone

Alone in my heart

Alone in my head

Alone every night

In my lonely bed

Desire unquenched

Cravings unmet

Like a physical death

The despair

 It sucks the life out of me

With each and every breath

The emptiness inside

Expands to fill the void

Left by the excruciating loneliness

Heartache and sadness

The tears, they flow

A river of pain

Death without dying

No peace

No final release

Hope and Faith

Feel at times

Like the stuff of dreams

Nothing in Life

But despair

And yet………..

Writers Note:

I penned these words last night in a moment of extreme sadness and emotional distress.  They came slowly and painfully at first as I resisted committing them to paper.  But as I found the strength to surrender in the moment to the feelings bottled up inside they began to flow. It seems that I had forgotten my previous post, “The Process”, and the hashtags, “#Just Write” and “#AndWrite.”  I am slowly learning that my writing is an emotional pressure relief valve for me and that I should not try to dictate or control the words that flow from the pen as that simple closes the valve.  After writing I quickly fell to sleep and awoke hours later with the Hope and Faith that I thought I had lost. They actually flooded back in like filling a vacuum after I put the pen to paper at two in the morning.

  I have the distinct pleasure and honor to meet with my “band of brothers” as I call them, a small number of guy Believers that meet every Monday night to share our thoughts and pray for one another. There is no agenda except to pray for one another before we depart. Last night was special for me.  The weather was perfect so we were out on the deck next to the boat canal talking about our lives and watching the somewhat obscured sunset to the west. We were visited by a flight of Canadian geese, maybe eighteen, winging their way east up the canal right at eye level past us as they struggled to maintain their V formation.  Beautiful does not begin to describe it!  And then we were visited by a fledgling Blue Heron who alighted on the lawn across the canal from us finally moving atop a pole closer to us. There were only three of us last night and I had the opportunity to share much more deeply about my personal struggles and my efforts to rekindle my relationship with “M”, my wife of thirty-eight years. These two brothers I couldn’t have more respect for, both are as humble as they come, have successful marriages and are retired Navy Captains, true leaders of men.  After they both listened to me carefully and asked probing questions, Jim reminded me of Matthew 6:33,  “But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.”  Without a lecture or a sermon he succinctly helped me to put my priorities back into proper order. How quickly we (I?) forget!

The Process

writinginbed-louveciennes-flickr

 

What to write?                                             #Inspiration

Ok, Title?                                                       # TooSoon!

Begin!                                                            #JustWrite

Really?                                                          #JustWrite

You want to say what?                            #Just Write

Storms a coming!                                      #Surrender

Raging and Roiling!                                 #SurrenderAndFeel

Oh God, Not this again!                           #SurrenderAndFeel

This is too painful!                                    #SurrenderBreatheFeel

Heave, sigh of relief….                             #Breathe

Oh yea, where was I?                               #Write

Let it flow….                                                #AndWrite

Let it flow….                                                #AndWrite

Trickle….                                                       #AndWrite

Is that it?                                                      #Save

Wrap it up….                                                #EditTooManyCommas? 

Don’t forget!                                               #Title?

Deep Breath!                                               #Publish                          

Writers Note:

While most of my writing takes place in the midst of of great emotional turmoil I would like to write more deliberately based on observation and the like, but I struggle to convey my raw emotions when I attempt to do so.  In any event this poem was a lot of fun to write and I hope you enjoy!

Oblivion

tears_of_sadness

 

The sadness engulfs me

Sometimes

It’s all I know

Surrounding me

Filling me

Making me her own

Like the return

Of an old lover

She charms me

Seduces me

Draws me

Into her own

When my strength is gone

I submit

And slowly slip

Into empty oblivion

Bit by Bit

Beautiful-Elderly-Couple-Hugging

It’s coming to me slowly

How to love this woman of mine

Little by little

Bit by bit

She is thawing

And melting

I saw a sly smile

On her face today

Happy were her eyes

It made my heart flutter

To think that we might be lovers again

One day

One day, I sigh

Learning to be a man

Her man

Patient and kind

With love in my heart

One day at a time