I returned from the psychiatrist’s appointment yesterday afternoon and watched my friend Summer’s Border Personality Disorder vlog again and I must have cried for thirty minutes, every image, every line, check, check, check, check. Then I went to Google images and Pinterest looking at even more images and lines and traits, check, check, check, check, check…… at one point I couldn’t read or see the images because of the tears pouring from my eyes. I had recently taken several online assessments that indicated a strong likelihood. of BPD. Bottom line, I think I found me! I will have more answers next week after I see my therapist Wednesday afternoon. After all this time and all this pain and confusion I believe I have finally found myself and, it hurts. And it is scary. I am so triggered right now. I am so screwed up. To see it there, in black and white and color, is hard to take, to wrap my head around but it explains things. It makes sense. That being said I am not a mental health professional. Several nights ago I was explaining BPD to M and showing her Summer’s vlog and she just started bobbing her head as I read off a bunch of the traits murmuring “Oh, Yea!”over and over again. I trust her judgement a lot more than mine. And then there is this:
Low Affection and Harsh Parenting. Bingo! The pieces are falling together. So now what? The medication is going to take much longer than I expected. I gave a urine sample for a drug screen and I have to contact my Nephrologist and Cardiologist to get their clearance for the medications the Psychiatrist is considering prescribing. Another month. The good news is that the med for Attention Deficit Disorder, Strattera is also effective in treating depression in some folks so Barney might get a Twofer! Yaay! Hope so, the last thing I need is more meds.
At least I may be on my way to some answers, in any event the only thing I know to do is to lean on my Hope and Faith. No one ever promised me this journey would be easy.