Two weeks ago at my last at my last therapy appointment I shared with Frank (my therapist) that I found myself crying all the time. He asked me to start journaling the details whenever it occurred to help understand what is triggering it. I am a terrible at journaling. This is as close as I get to journaling and I don’t post here anywhere near as often as I think about doing so. However I did start paying more attention to the crying jags when they occurred and that is when I realized that I just simply leak emotion (in the form of tears) when presented with any type of emotional situation, happy, sad, real or contrived through TV etc. My response to the tiniest emotional situation is to start crying and I don’t mean a tear or two, it’s a flood in most cases.
Now, intellectually, I’m guessing it’s just decades of emotion that I tamped down that is now starting to surface because I have to some degree become OK with it. And I believe some of it is grief. Grieving all the mistakes I’ve made, the hurt and shame that I have piled on my wife M and myself but especially her. Some of it is coming to grips with my mental illness. Man that sounds weird, awful even. Admitting you have a mental illness to yourself is difficult, admitting it to others is even more difficult. One of my Blogger Buddies recently told me that she thought I was exhibiting some traits of Borderline Personality Disorder. Today after watching her vlog on BPD which you can find here I overdosed on BPD videos on YouTube. I think she is on to something. Although I don’t exhibit the extremes traits I do identify with so so many of them. Some of them I don’t have now but I did when I was younger and they were the traits I would consider more extreme, risk taking. etc. I’m guessing that as I have gotten older I have learned coping strategies that have helped me live this long. Yea, suicidal ideation has never completely gone away, an ever-present whisper that I have learned to ignore. Is there such a thing as borderline Borderline Personality Disorder?
I have been stewing in all of these thoughts and a myriad of others today because tomorrow I finally get to see a psychiatrist for a medication evaluation. I have my fingers crossed. Barney doesn’t know what it feels like to be on an even keel. Life is an emotional roller coaster and since I have embarked on this attempt to salvage my marriage and deal with my addiction it has become a Mega-Coaster. Wish me well.