Only The Lonely, Part 3… Chickened Out

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Insomnia strikes again, no that’s not true, depression has entered the room and insomnia is riding it’s coattails.  Three nights now, it’s bad.  I’m upset with myself as well, I chickened out.  After convincing M we would talk tonite after I returned from men’s group I got cold feet.  She was watching something I forget what and then the old fear of rejection slipped in and convinced me to shut up. I have never been good at speaking up for my own needs.  I will always give in rather than create a confrontation.  It didn’t help that I wanted to talk about male sexuality and my own needs for physical intimacy.  I didn’t think she would listen to what I had to say personally so I found a series of short articles about sex & intimacy and a husbands needs in marriage and thought I would just read them with her, they are really well written.  You can check them out here. I couldn’t speak about it so eloquently myself so I thought this would open some dialog. I’m not sure how to get her to realize that without physical closeness, sex, I am slowly starving to death and simultaneously drowning in loneliness.  I have gone back forty-eight years to being that little boy again.  Every night I come to bed alone, shed a few tears then commence rolling over, over and over again in an attempt to sleep, but it never comes. I have almost given up asking God for someone to love me.  She’s either in the bed five feet away or in the living room. She never gets the message I guess. I love her but sometimes I have to ask myself why? So, when I tire of spider solitaire I find myself here pouring out my heart hoping I will tire and find some much needed sleep.

I have another therapy appointment this morning but I am thinking of chucking the theophostic prayer healing and asking for an evaluation for an anti-depressant.  Right now my faith and hope are running seriously low and I want to chuck the whole holistic approach. Maybe that is just sleep depreviation talking. I should feel a little better because M has told me it’s ok to ask about a referral/advice on who my therapist would recommend that she see but I am not holding my breath. Now it’s time to try that horizontal hold thing again.

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3 thoughts on “Only The Lonely, Part 3… Chickened Out

  1. Don’t feel bad for missing that opportunity to talk. Just carve out a new one. I sometimes avoid difficult conversations with Hubby G. But what is avoided never goes away. The sleep deprivation sucks too. I’d go to your docs and ask for a short prescription of sleeping tabs, as well as an evaluation of your anti depressant. If things are not in synch biologically, all the faith healing in the world won’t be enough to penetrate that biological fuckedupness. Some anti depressants make you drowsy and sleep well, others are stimulating. Dosage matters a lot too. What are you taking? I’ve tried em all pretty much until I found what suited me x

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  2. Hi Summer, I don’t take anything haven’ t for more that twenty years and it djdn’t work, don’t remember the name, got a little sleep but tired as hell. Guess it will be a talk day.

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