Only the Lonely, Part 2

1187-autumn

 

I hesitate to write this morning wondering if I share too much, it has been a long, long, lonely, nite.  Starting with a tear-stained pillow my mind would not turn off, a vortex of every imaginable emotion, loneliness, anger, desperation, suicidal thoughts, I just want the madness and overwhelming confusion in my brain to stop!  I’m not suicidal, I don’t have a plan and as a HSP I learned I am less likely to do it because I am consumed with the thoughts of what it would leave behind.  NO vengeance on my mind.  Pissed off, Oh Yea!  At her at me, wondering if its time to pull the plug on this sad excuse of a relationship.  I think of it often but that would be giving up and I’m not ready to do that, not sure I could do that.  In a couple of hours I have to get dressed for Church, I don’t want to go today.  Dressing will mean putting on that facade, the happy face, I am so far from happy it isn’t funny.

M and I had that talk the other nigh, it’s a start I think although I did all the talking and this time I didn’t hold back, much….  she talked a little, very little, did say I always back her in the corner with talk of sex, Really, It’s been twenty years, Yea! it is on my mind, Then she says “I don’t like sex”  No shit Sherlock I think to myself.  I tell her I know, remember the honey moon?  Three nights and we made love one time, She wears a sexy little baby doll nite which i get to see for just as long as it takes her to walk out of the bathroom and turn out the light.  In the last thirty-seven year I have seen nothing!  So Yea, I AM PISSED!  That nighty, never to be seen again.

OK, so now I know what I need to do. Facade or no I do need to go to church.  I need to dump all this anger and confusion at the foot of the Cross.

 

 

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20 thoughts on “Only the Lonely, Part 2

  1. Glad you let rip emotionally in this post. I had to laugh at the no shit Sherlock comment though 😜 I am going to let rip myself here and be controversially honest…. I hope this is ok. I’m sorry you have been deprived so much in the sex department. I didn’t realise the full extent of the lack of sexual activity with your wife. Now I know that I’m much more cognisant of why you have turned to porn. Sex is a healthy need for release for the majority of people. So you having a sexual appetite is nothing unusual or weird, particularly as you are an ISO and loving and sensual in nature. There are some people however who apparently have no sexual interest whatsoever. Usually that is because of buried trauma or deep rooted insecurity. That is just as much of an issue to me, as your porn addiction, if not more concerning. I actually feel a lot more sympathy for you now, if I’m honest. I don’t think your porn addiction is particularly deviant or extreme (nor that anyone should be judging either way if it is or not) but for what it’s worth I fully understand and empathise with why you turn to porn…and the fact you haven’t been physically unfaithful to your wife is actually fucking outstanding Barney!!! You have always painted yourself as the villain of the piece, but maybe in light of what you’ve described here, that’s unfair on you. People in marriages do have incompatible sex drives and that can put a wedge between you. Sex is fucking important!!! It’s a basic biological innate drive! It is how we bond. A sexless marriage is missing an important element and your wife’s sexual rejection of you is just as hurtful in my view as your porn addiction is to her. I really feel for you Barney, and am sad you feel so bloody miserable and have suicidal feelings. I get it. I really do. I also wanna say, while I’m cruising down controversial street, that your porn addiction has fuck all to do with God. You are not letting God down or being a bad Christian. Sex is biological and innate. Relationships without sex are fucking hard to sustain and faith is irrelevant when it comes to this precise aspect. I know how important your faith is, I am just trying to reassure you and encourage you not to beat yourself up from a moralistic religious perspective. Your wife has psychological reasons to avoid intimacy. She hasn’t dealt with that. She is putting the full fucking responsibility onto you because it’s easier to point fingers at the one who watches porn or has the magazines. Humans are natural voyeurs and looking at porn to excite us is as normal as fucking breathing. Please don’t feel unnecessary shame. You don’t deserve it!!! You are really not that fucking bad! You like porn. So do I! It’s called “normal”

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    • Summer , thank you for for the long honest comment, I really appreciate the honesty I get here, I think sometimes when we are face to face it is much harder as we are even more concerned with upsetting someone. In out talk the other night she did give me permission to investigate another therapist for her, to get my therapists advice. It is a start I think. I have always known that there was insecurity on her part, something she wasn’t telling me, in general she would deny it. but there were always things she said that made me wonder. I have never told you the whole story, I haven’t been an angel. I may not have had an “Affair” but there were a few ladies I paid for, some thirty years ago now And the porn started long before I met her, in my teens, we married when I was twenty-six. Porn is a false intimacy and I think my involvement with it delayed my getting to this point and trying to get to the root of the problem. I believe that God does have a place in sex, He designed it from the very beginning. Her insecurities and my own mistakes have robbed us of what He always meant for us to enjoy and bring us closer together.

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      • Ok, so you paid for hookers 30 years ago. Thay isn’t a crime you should still be paying for 30 years later in my opinion. Porn is normal darlin. I’ll veer away from the religious thing as that’s your forte… you’ll figure it out. You and her, separately and alone 😇

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  2. Barn, bro, friend – I’m gonna have to swing with SSTS on this one a bit. You are bearing way too much guilt, shame and frankly, blame on this.

    You know my stance on our relationship with God and sex. He gave us the parts with all the necessary pleasure buttons. And the bullshit the church tries to put on us about procreation doesn’t hold water when you look at the clitoris – pleasure is it’s only purpose. Your need for physical intimacy is as natural as your need to breathe.

    It’s time for JM to face her own issues and stop doing the Christian guilt dance. I’m gonna tell ya too that after reading this I do not think you’re an addict; I think it’s more like you finding water in a desert just to survive.

    You need to tell her just what you wrote here. That’s not unkind or unloving- that’s the fucking truth. And it’s time for her to face it. Cause as they say in our Sunday circles ‘it’s the TRUTH that sets you free.’

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    • Yes!!! I think so, too, Barney. I don’t think we ever get anywhere worth going by holding back. You can’t make her see her own issues…but you can travel her journey and hope like hell she wants to travel on one of her own, and that those road becomes one road. Because you BOTH allow it too. You CANNOT take the blame for issues. I can’t even tell you how much I relate to feeling like that. In the start of my journey, I fell lower than I aver have, and that was partly because I was unloading all the baggage and looking it all squarely in the face. I blamed myself. But as I sorted and saw clearly, it was much easier to see that I was half of a puzzle. M played his own part in allowing things to be or not be, in us repeating some patterns that didn’t allow us to be freer.

      We have to own our shit, but we aren’t responsible for anyone else’s. We can absolutely be the support another needs on the journey of unpacking the bags, though.

      I so hope you can be that for one another!!

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      • Yay! I’m really pleased. I was half expecting to be absolutely slated for what I said. It’s difficult as I will form opinions based on how something is presented to me, but then when you find out more you can suddenly think “This is nonsense. The time has come to correct the balance!” I feel for Barney, I really do.

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      • I love my lil’ bro and I love JM but I walked that desert years ago and fell into the trap she is in. It was destroying us both individually and as partners. I needed my D to be downright ugly honest with me and he was.

        I was letting someone else’s behavior from my past derail my future and then tragedy in my own life only widened the divide until I withdrew into a phony shell of a life without intimacy.

        This will only heal if strong medicine is applied and we all know sometimes medicine burns before it works its magic.

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      • I’m an old gal, Summer (can I call you that?). Been married to my high school sweetheart since I was seventeen and I’m now about to turn fifty-eight.

        We’ve run this crazy course and tripped more than our share of times along the way. The one true lasting gift we’ve given each other is the freedom to tell the truth, no matter how painful.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Yeah call me Summer 🙂 I met my husband when I was 16. We’ve done 18 years, which is an achievement, and you’re even further ahead in your marriage which is epic 🙆🙌👍😁 I believe in truth also. It can be painful, but a brutal examination of the truth is the most freeing releasing thing we can do 😊💖

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    • SSTS? New one on me. I have given what you said a lot of thought in the last twenty some odd hours Clitoris? not sure I want to go there, that is Bullshit! YES I DO! I will probably have to help her off the ceiling! HAHAHA 😜 Seriously though, I have decided it is time to be painfully honest, we are talking again tonite. I got curious yesterday and decided to google male sexuality and surprise surprise I ended up at Focus on the Family and read this: http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/sex-and-intimacy/understanding-your-husbands-sexual-needs/sex-is-a-physical-need I told her we are going to be doing a lot of reading. She has no idea that it is like oxygen to me. (And to us!) I told Summer M gave me permission to talk to my therapist about advice on who she should see. I hope she will follow through. We both need healing before we can be the couple we were meant to be.

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      • SSTS is the young lady who commented above me – I had to abbreviate. The Corinthians verse is astounding in its forthright message.

        I have all the hope in the world for you guys to defeat this.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I’ m glad ladies you got a chance to meet. Fotgive me if I don’ t reply to your comments just yet, I am an emotional wreck at the moment and tired beyond belief. All Iwant to do is sleep and that is not coming easy. EVERYONE of you have given me alot to think about and my heart and my head are both overwhelmed. I HEAR YOUR TRUTH, I Do, I need to soak in it awhile. ❤Barn

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