I hesitate to write this morning wondering if I share too much, it has been a long, long, lonely, nite. Starting with a tear-stained pillow my mind would not turn off, a vortex of every imaginable emotion, loneliness, anger, desperation, suicidal thoughts, I just want the madness and overwhelming confusion in my brain to stop! I’m not suicidal, I don’t have a plan and as a HSP I learned I am less likely to do it because I am consumed with the thoughts of what it would leave behind. NO vengeance on my mind. Pissed off, Oh Yea! At her at me, wondering if its time to pull the plug on this sad excuse of a relationship. I think of it often but that would be giving up and I’m not ready to do that, not sure I could do that. In a couple of hours I have to get dressed for Church, I don’t want to go today. Dressing will mean putting on that facade, the happy face, I am so far from happy it isn’t funny.
M and I had that talk the other nigh, it’s a start I think although I did all the talking and this time I didn’t hold back, much…. she talked a little, very little, did say I always back her in the corner with talk of sex, Really, It’s been twenty years, Yea! it is on my mind, Then she says “I don’t like sex” No shit Sherlock I think to myself. I tell her I know, remember the honey moon? Three nights and we made love one time, She wears a sexy little baby doll nite which i get to see for just as long as it takes her to walk out of the bathroom and turn out the light. In the last thirty-seven year I have seen nothing! So Yea, I AM PISSED! That nighty, never to be seen again.
OK, so now I know what I need to do. Facade or no I do need to go to church. I need to dump all this anger and confusion at the foot of the Cross.