Only the lonely

lonely-bed1

 

 

I am lying here trying to sleep, unable, tears in my eyes, dreaming of making love to my wife, married thirty seven years today, we couldn’t be much further apart, I am reminded of the Roy Orbison song, “Only the Lonely” never realized the full title is “Only the Lonely, Know how I feel” and the first line, Only the lonely, know why I cry. Β It tears my heart out. I am afraid to go into the living room where she sits in her easy chair in front of the Tv, probably asleep, and tell her how I really feel, the overwhelming sadness, the loneliness the desire for human touch and connection, the emptiness that lies atop me like a heavy blanket. I am coming to grips with this HSP, what it means to be a highly sensitive person. I always thought there was something wrong with me, wondered why I never fit in Β and always felt out-of-place, why no one understood me, worse yet I thought it was my fault. So now I learn it’s a genetic trait, simply the way I am wired. I can’t begin to tell you the shame I felt for just being me. “TOO SENSITIVE, CRYBABY! I am slowly learning how it has handicapped my relationship, this constant avoidance of conflict that keeps my mouth, my thoughts and feelings firmly shut inside where they wither and die. I have learned from a friend how do just dump my thoughts and feelings on the page, raw and unedited. I must say it is EXHILIRATING! and strangely freeing, like the first tear to drop. And now I know I can share this with her in the morning. But for the moment I am alone in the bed, not at all how I want to spend my anniversary, I would rather be trying to remember how to make love. It has been so many years now I imagine it will be like the first time, that is not necessarily a bad thing, but I do hope it is not as short-lived. Haha! Just sayin… well this must be cathartic, the tears have dried and I’m wearing half a smile. Time to dump all this and push the button.

For any of you who are unfamiliar with HSP like I was just a week ago, check out this site and look for Dr. Elaine Aron on youtube, her research and book are changing my life. Β http://hsperson.com

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20 thoughts on “Only the lonely

  1. I’m glad you’ve written from your heart here, like a true pro (taught by the best πŸ˜‰) . I can feel your pain. I don’t know what to suggest other than learning slowly how to communicate and build honest emotional intimacy together. Only then will the physical intimacy spark back up. The weird thing is, the porn addiction doesn’t naturally make intuitive sense in terms of your HSP temperament. To have a porn addiction would *seem* to be quite insensitive from her perspective. I understand that being highly sensitive makes you highly sensual, but that attention has been directed at people other than your wife, which is the hurtful thing for her. I’d like to get you both in a room together and facilitate some constructive bridge building discussion, but I doubt your wife would want to talk to some random British girl on a Skype call πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ Being authentic and processing your painful emotions privately, then setting aside time for serious uninterrupted mutual discussion is all I can suggest. Or writing letters to each other? Sometimes that can be easier than conversation. I’m sorry you feel so shit πŸ˜’πŸ˜žπŸ˜–

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    • Summer, You are so right, we are shit at communicating, both of us honestly, I need to be braver and she needs to open up IMHO, so I agree we have to build emotional intimacy before anything else will develop. I don’t think the addiction is related to HSP except that it exacerbated the effects of the emotional abuse. porn and masturbation became my pain killer to which I became addicted. and yea it is insensitive and hurtful, I just wish she would open up about that so we can address it. I think she might be afraid to revisit that pain. Hey, you aren’t so random, she watches your blogs and always pays attention when I go “Summer said”. But in all truthfulness I am hoping she will visit my therapist with me. He did point out on my first visit that marital healing has a much better chance of success if both attend therapy. I think my blog is my letter to her. I had her read it about 3am this morning when she finally came to bed. She was really quite, I don’t think she really knows how much I hurt. This morning she crawled in with me and gave me a nice back scratch and scalp massage, Can you say Goosebumps? Yes, we need to talk a lot more. Barn

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      • Sharing your vulnerability with her can only be a good thing. Then she will feel more comfortable expressing her pent up vulnerability, maybe anger too. Sometimes people conceal a lot of anger and it leaks out as apathy. She is withdrawn because of her suppressed emotions. It’s a good idea for her to attend therapy if she’s ok with that. It would probably help. I have confidence you will achieve this πŸ™‚

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  2. I think, jmo, Barn, you have to be honest…even if she isn’t willing to hear it. I think healing both of you has to be a priority. Your gonna have to sit down and have an adult conversation with one another, if not, then what’s the use?

    Hope your not mad at me…being married to a former Marine/alcoholic…its just rough on all of us (was rough)…learning to be who you are, what you are and what your becoming —look, both of you are in this long term relationship, right? Didn’t both of you make that commitment all those years ago? All marriages have ups and downs, Barn.

    Regardless, Happy Anniversary…not many folks make it that long nowadays…so many folks wanting to throw in the towel, or immaturity etc. We will be married 28 yrs on New Years Eve…and he goes, “You still don’t have any common sense, do you?” {{being married to him–grinning}}

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    • Linda, thank you for speaking your mind so openly and honestly. We definitely need to talk more and if we can’t do this like adults then really what’s the use?

      I could never be mad at you. I appreciate honesty. I don’t have time for small talk anymore when it comes to relationships. I am just now seeing how all these pieces of my life fit together to make me the person I am. And I’m realizing it is not all bad. Some of it is just the way God made me, wired me. I have made my share of mistakes and it has affected the people I love. Some times the depression and anxiety make it hard to see he light but I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. The love and support I get from my blogger friends is invaluable. When I read you blog which is absolutely gorgeous by the way (did you do the design yourself?) I am immediately taken with how down to earth and genuine you are. It would be easy to overlook the strength and fortitude you possess if not for some of what you have shared. I’m sure you have had your share of struggles, your advice and wisdom is always welcome even if you have to raise your VOICE! HAHA!
      I really like the possee of God-fearing women you have surrounding you online. They help to soften my rough edges, Blessings, Barney

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      • Hey, Barn…I am afraid I don’t now how to be anything but brutely honest. Prob. because I was beaten as a child. I think it is prob. safe to say, we all have struggles, friend. Commitments –jmo–aren’t to be broken, no matter how hard it gets to continue on. My grandmother gave me the best advice nearly 28 years ago, “Honey, marriage is work, let him think he is the boss, but we all know who the real boss is. Let him win arguments and remember not to go to bed mad.” I am afraid, Barn, I broke all those “rules”. I am not sure if he knew what he was getting into when we married, just saying. Like he told his mother the other day, “Mother, if I wanted a weak woman I would of married one.” smiles.

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      • I guess that what makes it so hard. I broke all those rules too from the male side but I think the big one to overcome is the commitment one. I did not marry a weak woman but there is a difference between strength and stubbornness. I have to give that one to God!

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      • yes, agree…and sometimes, Barn…I will tell you, my stubbornness gets in the way…ok…more so than I let on…and maybe a bit of pride, lol. Yes…just turn it over to the good Lord…smiles

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    • Thanks Rita, sometimes I think I need to grow a pair, act like a man and take this head on. I am tired of you know who winning all the battles. I think I need to lay it all out there and open the door for her. I want my wife back and more importantly I want the relationship we were always suppose to have. My blog and even these comments are my letter to her.

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    • Rayne, How did you find out? And did you discuss it with a therapist? I brought it up with mind but he didn’t know anything, I was very disappointed!

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  3. I am also a highly sensitive person. The only way M has gotten to know how I feel, think, desire, worry, is by me sharing it all with him. It hasn’t been painless for me to do that, and it won’t be to continue. Being so vulnerable to another is scary and the fear of rejection so much at the surface. But the more it’s accepted (by myself foremost), and the more it’s out in there open, the less scary it has become.

    Congratulations, Barney. Living and loving for that many years is unbelievable. I think maybe you’re both in it for good. Through the ups and downs. I think she deserves to know you as much as you deserve to be known. Let her? Allow yourself?

    All you can do it try! πŸ’œ

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  4. Thank you Kay, I get inspired when I read other’s stories. It is definitely not painless but really waht other choice do I have unless I like this, the way it is. Sometimes we don’t move until it is too damn uncomfortable or miserable. That is where I am now. We need to take a journey of mutual discovery. This morning she said I don’t like sex, I’m thinking really? how do you know If you have never experienced good sex before. Maybe we need to be brave and find out! I derailed that train with my addiction before we even got out of the station! 😩

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  5. Yes. Sometimes we have to reach to the bottom or a true impass to find out we can travel in an entirely different direction. Or that we notninky want to, but need to. I do understand that in a relationship, both must want to in order for the relationship as a whole to move, but I fully believe that one’s personal journey must be a priority even before that of the relationship…..because in order to move the train from the station, someone has to fuel the engine, first. πŸ’œ

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