I am lying here trying to sleep, unable, tears in my eyes, dreaming of making love to my wife, married thirty seven years today, we couldn’t be much further apart, I am reminded of the Roy Orbison song, “Only the Lonely” never realized the full title is “Only the Lonely, Know how I feel” and the first line, Only the lonely, know why I cry. It tears my heart out. I am afraid to go into the living room where she sits in her easy chair in front of the Tv, probably asleep, and tell her how I really feel, the overwhelming sadness, the loneliness the desire for human touch and connection, the emptiness that lies atop me like a heavy blanket. I am coming to grips with this HSP, what it means to be a highly sensitive person. I always thought there was something wrong with me, wondered why I never fit in and always felt out-of-place, why no one understood me, worse yet I thought it was my fault. So now I learn it’s a genetic trait, simply the way I am wired. I can’t begin to tell you the shame I felt for just being me. “TOO SENSITIVE, CRYBABY! I am slowly learning how it has handicapped my relationship, this constant avoidance of conflict that keeps my mouth, my thoughts and feelings firmly shut inside where they wither and die. I have learned from a friend how do just dump my thoughts and feelings on the page, raw and unedited. I must say it is EXHILIRATING! and strangely freeing, like the first tear to drop. And now I know I can share this with her in the morning. But for the moment I am alone in the bed, not at all how I want to spend my anniversary, I would rather be trying to remember how to make love. It has been so many years now I imagine it will be like the first time, that is not necessarily a bad thing, but I do hope it is not as short-lived. Haha! Just sayin… well this must be cathartic, the tears have dried and I’m wearing half a smile. Time to dump all this and push the button.
For any of you who are unfamiliar with HSP like I was just a week ago, check out this site and look for Dr. Elaine Aron on youtube, her research and book are changing my life. http://hsperson.com