Have you ever wished for a Delete All button in your head. I am right now. I just realized it has been 13 days since I last published. Thirteen days since my last therapy session and not one call from his office telling me that there is an open appointment. My head hurts with all the thoughts, ideas, potential blog posts that are slamming against my skull trying to get out. And the guilt and shame. I have been too bummed out, depressed, and pissed off at myself to uncover the keyboard. Yup, I wish I could just push a button and make it all go away. Well here it comes, as if you couldn’t figure it out.
Barney fell off the wagon. No! That’s not exactly true, I f’ing jumped off the wagon straight into the pit, and I played there all week, until I was totally covered in mud, like a pig in a pen. I binged, went on a bender, acted up, whatever you choose to call it, it wasn’t good. Then it was time to go to recovery group. I felt like shit, still do a little, thought about not going but I did. I had a ton of homework to do, reading, questions to answer, a lot of introspection. Home alone, never good, that’s when I get into trouble so I packed up everything and headed to the cafe at Barnes & Noble. One grande Latte and two and one half hours later and I was done, not a lot of time for introspection but I got all the questions answered and it almost killed me. The subject of the reading: Confession. Oh God! Might as well shut down the meeting! It’s going to take the whole two hours for me to confess. You see, we start the meeting with what we call check-in. We get it our small groups, usually four to six guys and we start receiving confession from one another. Honestly, the thing I dreaded the most, confession, brought the most freedom. Just nodding heads, no judgment, just forgiveness, understanding and love. Not usually something associated with a bunch of guys getting together. No need for a mask, no need to hide the secret life, no worry that they will see the real me. They know, they know and accept me anyway. Me, the real me, not just the person I so often pretend to be or the person I so desparately want to be.
Leading up to my “episode” I had been contemplating a post on surrender, the topic of the prior weeks homework. I remember thinking as we sat in a circle for the evenings teaching. “How do you surrender?” and “How do you forgive yourself?” It stuck in my head so long I wrote it down. I mean really, how do you? I struggled with those questions in my head for quite a while, it was distracting. Later I heard that wee small voice, “Nike!” “What?” I thought. “You know,” it said, “Just do It!” Seriously, is it that easy? When I think of surrender I envision someone popping up from a foxhole waving a white flag on the end of the rifle and promptly getting shot in the head! And forgiveness? Why is it I can forgive others but when it comes to myself I haven’t got a clue. I mean, I have no idea where to even start. Seriously, I’m open to anything.
The very next day I took a trip to the local Apple store. My Iphone had been acting up, occasionally freezing up and not loading. Well once I got to the Genius Bar I was informed that the memory was full and the best way to handle it was to wipe it and reload from the cloud. I didn’t listen to even half the music I had on it anyway, so ok. Twenty minutes later I walked out of the store with a fully functioning cell phone and no internet filter/accountability application installed. Danger Will Robinson! Not a good idea and as it turned out it was way too tempting. Lesson learned, however it kills me that I was such an asshole for a whole week and M has absolutely no idea.
Sex Addiction Sucks!