Falling Off

sexaddiction-sexting

 

Have you ever wished for a Delete All button in your head.  I am right now.  I just realized it has been 13 days since I last published. Thirteen days since my last therapy session and not one call from his office telling me that there is an open appointment.  My head hurts with all the thoughts, ideas, potential blog posts that are slamming against my skull trying to get out.  And the guilt and shame. I have been too bummed out, depressed, and pissed off at myself to uncover the keyboard.  Yup, I wish I could just push a button and make it all go away. Well here it comes, as if you couldn’t figure it out.

Barney fell off the wagon.  No! That’s not exactly true, I f’ing jumped off the wagon straight into the pit, and I played there all week, until I was totally covered in mud, like a pig in a pen. I binged, went on a bender, acted up, whatever you choose to call it, it wasn’t good.  Then it was time to go to recovery group.  I felt like shit, still do a little, thought about not going but I did.  I had a ton of homework to do, reading, questions to answer, a lot of introspection.  Home alone, never good, that’s when I get into trouble so I packed up everything and headed to the cafe at Barnes & Noble. One grande Latte and two and one half hours later and I was done, not a lot of time for introspection but I got all the questions answered and it almost killed me.  The subject of the reading: Confession.  Oh God!  Might as well shut down the meeting!  It’s going to take the whole two hours for me to confess. You see, we start the meeting with what we call check-in.  We get it our small groups, usually four to six guys and we start receiving confession from one another.  Honestly, the thing I dreaded the most, confession, brought the most freedom. Just nodding heads, no judgment, just forgiveness, understanding and love. Not usually something associated with a bunch of guys getting together. No need for a mask, no need to hide the secret life, no worry that they will see the real me. They know, they know and accept me anyway.  Me, the real me, not just the person I so often pretend to be or the person I so desparately want to be.

Leading up to my “episode” I had been contemplating a post on surrender, the topic of the prior weeks homework.  I remember thinking as we sat in a circle for the evenings  teaching. “How do you surrender?” and “How do you forgive yourself?”  It stuck in my head so long I wrote it down.  I mean really, how do you?  I struggled with those questions in my head for quite a while, it was distracting. Later I heard that wee small voice, “Nike!” “What?” I thought. “You know,” it said, “Just do It!” Seriously, is it that easy?  When I think of surrender I envision someone popping up from a foxhole waving a white flag on the end of the rifle  and promptly getting shot in the head! And forgiveness?  Why is it I can forgive others but when it comes to myself I haven’t got a clue. I mean, I have no idea where to even start. Seriously, I’m open to anything.

img_0022

 

The very next day I took a trip to the local Apple store.  My Iphone had been acting up, occasionally freezing up and not loading.  Well once I got to the Genius Bar I was informed that the memory was full and the best way to handle it was to wipe it and reload from the cloud. I didn’t listen to even half the music I had on it anyway, so ok. Twenty minutes later I walked out of the store with a fully functioning cell phone and no internet filter/accountability application installed. Danger Will Robinson! Not a good idea and as it turned out it was way too tempting.  Lesson learned, however it kills me that I was such an asshole for a whole week and M has absolutely no idea. 

Sex Addiction Sucks!

Barney

Advertisements

28 thoughts on “Falling Off

  1. Sorry to hear about your recent struggles! If it makes you feel any better (and i know it probably doesn’t), I’ve also struggled with addiction. And trying to handle it in a Christian manner. Even one misstep can feel like a complete and total failure. I mean, you’re supposed to know better, right? And once you confess your sin, you’re not supposed to keep doing it!

    Well, news flash, everyone in the history of addictions takes time to recover. It’s just the way it is, and God knows that. There is more to be learned in a relapse than in a record breaking sober streak. Use it as an opportunity to identify your weaknesses, and shore up your defenses.

    And, props to you. Honestly, at what other point in your life would you have made this progress in a week? Just because you relapsed in behavior, doesn’t mean you lost your healing process all together. I mean, you acknowledged it and knew it was a problem. You also know how to handle it, and are committed to handling it. I’m willing to bet (without reading all your previous posts) that it took a lot longer the first go round than it did this time.

    The devil is trying to use guilt to make you believe you’re not good enough to be free from this. That you will always be a failure. It’s a lie. You can absolutely heal from this. But healing does not mean perfection all in one go. Stick to it and keep writing.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Sidney, thank you so much for your kind words. No it doesn’t help to know you struggle as well but what Does help is the knowledge that you understand. That you have walked a similar path and especially that as a woman you who would be justified in shooting me with flaming arrows you choose to extend the hand of encouragement and friendship!

      I am breathing easier this morning, partly from my open confession on WordPress and even more so because I have the support of friends like you. The two weeks I was gone from WP felt like eternity. It merely allowed the negative thoughts to fester. And you are right, I think as a Christian it does make it harder; I do set the bar too high. When I do listen to the lies of the enemy it feeds right into the lies my father told me. In some ways it’s like the perfect storm. I really need to learn to lean on the Word.

      Thank you for all of the wisdom you shared in your comment! 🕆❤🤗 Barney

      Liked by 1 person

      • Glad you’re doing better. It’s extremely difficult as a Christian to not feel like a failure every time we screw up. But, the whole point of Christianity is that despite our best efforts, we will keep sinning until the day we die. If there were literally anything we could do about it, we wouldn’t need Christ.

        So glad you’re feeling better. Reading the Bible is the greatest healing, but listening to someone else’s interpretation can bring the most pain.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I am not religious but I do believe that every day is a new day, a new beginning. If you can forgive yourself you can just start anew right now. The way to healing and freedom is full of bumps in the road and wrong turnings.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dark, thank you. It is true, His mercies are new every day. I need to be continually reminded of this truth. I’m not real good at the forgiveness part but I do know I have to pick myself up and get on with it. I knew in my head it would be a rough road but the reality of it has been eye-opening. Thank you for your support! ❤ Barney

      Liked by 1 person

      • You are very welcome. Maybe forgiveness is too strong, maybe if you just don’t beat yourself up for falling but accept that you are human and can learn from your mistakes. Even the bad days have their purpose.

        Like

  3. My friend … my first question is this – do you have the filter app on your phone NOW? You cannot forgive yourself and move on until you plug the hole in your defense. I’m not an expert of forgiveness, for others or myself, but I do know it means accepting that you will fail others and yourself. Falling into temptation is not unforgivable or even unexpected in the addiction recovery process. Accept, learn and move on. Hugs, friend. And by the way — it is great to see you back. D

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dana, thank you for being so astute. I didn’t but I do now.
      I woke up this morning after dreaming about reinstalling Covenant Eyes. Then I grabbed the tablet and read your comment. Thank you for being so wise! I feel safer now.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. It’s hard when we fall back into something we’re trying to recover from.. but keep on moving forward. You can do it. We believe in you.

    About the forgiving yourself part, I feel the same. It’s like I can’t accept myself. What I do is build on my strengths and take up hobbies.. like I do what I’m good at.. writing.. drawing.. music.. anything. When I see something I’ve done well, it makes me feel better about me. I guess it’s like learning to love yourself. I don’t know if that helps, but I just want to share with you how I cope with the feeling of self-loathe. 🙂

    Stay strong! ❤

    Liz C.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hmmm, my comment didn’t send. Sorry about that Liz. Thanks for the support and the practical suggestions. Too often I focus on my faults and not my strengths. Thanks for the reminder. 😊 Barn

      Liked by 1 person

      • Well, I love this community because we can be reminders to each other! I’m still learning to love myself day by day. It’s tough when people care about you, and you tend to ask yourself “What is it they see in me that’s worth anything?” ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I also want to share this passage with you from Romans 7:15-25:

    15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

    21 So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22 For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; 23 but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. 24 What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? 25 Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!

    ———————————————————————–

    You are not alone in this struggle. The fact that you are doing what you can to recover shows your desire to be a better person.

    The last verses 24-25 shows that through Jesus, we can be rescued from this cycle. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    • I love that passage from Paul. I told my husband it was like going into walmart. I don’t realize all the things I want until I’m walking through the aisles. And it would be better if I just never went in at all. It takes a lot more resolve to walk out without buying in than to just never go inside.

      Liked by 2 people

    • Almost forgot this passage, but it is oh so true. Even Paul struggled with something, his thorn in the flesh. Sometimes I need to remind myself how the verse that inspired my blog title ends.
      Psalm 40:2 Living Bible (TLB)
      2 He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out from the bog and the mire, and set my feet on a hard, firm path, and steadied me as I walked along.

      Thank you, ❤ Barney

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Yes, we all have our thorns that keep us dependent and blatantly aware that we are human. He loves us just as much in and out of sin. Your desire to please Him is so beautiful. I feel your struggle. I think you feel more conviction than guilt and that’s a sign that you relationship with Jesus has grown. The devil wants to pummel us with guilt, but as children of God, there is no condemnation, only conviction and discipline from a Father who loves us more than anyone else ever could on this earth. Thank you for sharing. As a fellow writer, I know how much it helps and relieves you. It also blesses us and lets us know we aren’t alone in the human struggle. God bless you!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m proud of you for confessing. That took courage. As a wife of a husband who also struggles with this, my greatest desire would be for him to confess to me first before I found out otherwise. That would show growth to me…even though there would still be consequences, it would still mean something to me. Keep leaning, God will hold you up.

    Like

    • I wish that were possible, too much time has gone by and she discovered it, literally decades ago. As part of my program I have to prepare sexual history timeline for her, I will be coming totally clean. She has also ben asked to join a wives support group but hasn’t commited to that yet. I hope she does. God is good, one step at a time. 😐

      Liked by 1 person

      • SK, the program is called Falling Forward and it is twenty weeks in length. It is a Christian program that takes a lot of commitment and has a tremendous amount of built in accountability. I tried a 12 step program before but it just wasn’t for me. This one is tough. Some times I think it’s a college course without the exams there is so much studying etc. Saturday we meet all day. I’m sure it will be mentally/emotionally and spiritually exhausting. 🙏 Barn

        Liked by 1 person

  8. Hahhaha! You might be the only who got it, I loved that show and now it is just so Corny. Do you remember the robots’ name? Definitetly feeling better, must be the positive vibes! 😆

    Like

Comments are closed.