Baby Steps

one-step

Falling Forwards Sexual Addiction Recovery Week Four

It’s been much to long since I have posted here. Yesterday I took a baby step forward and yet it felt as though I literally leapt into the dark abyss.  I came face to face with the power and strength of my addiction when I took a step that I really didn’t want to. Something inside of me wants to hang on, to maintain control.  For several weeks now I have been encouraged by my recovery group leader to install an internet accountability and filter app on my electronic devices.  While I knew in my heart it was a necessary step I put it off for several weeks until yesterday when I couldn’t put if off any longer.

I have to say that it was one of the hardest things I had ever done.  Mentally I struggled with it, hard. I know this sounds ridiculous to some but think of it this way for a moment.  Consider if you will the one thing, or person, who is the absolute most important to you in the whole world.  Now consider walking away from them, for good!  No more contact of any kind, no letters, no pictures or phone chats. Nothing!  That’s how hard it was for me to make that phone call.  That is the strength of addiction!  It’s no wonder the Bible calls it idolatry.

When I called Covenant Eyes I got a representative who explained the plans, etc. and then started to explain how I could set up the internet filter. At this point I got completely confused and asked for help with installation and setup.  He quickly transferred me to a Technical Support Representative by the name of Sydney Wilding.  She talked M and I through downloading, installation and setup on three devices including setting up M as the administrator and my accountability partner.  By that I mean she will receive a daily email listing all the questionable sites I visited as determined by the internet filter.  I’m going to add another accountability partner from church, hopefully one of the guys in my men’s group.  I just want to say what a delight it was working with Sydney to set everything up. We must have been on the phone for 40 minutes.  I was unnerved when I got a woman on the line, I mean we are talking about pornography here.  But to her credit she was a true professional, patient, understanding, not a hint of derision, if anything full of compassion.  Thank you Sydney! You made this step so much easier than I thought it was gonna be.

My weekly progress in the group was not good this week.  I haven’t gotten my reading done or the daily Bible reading, daily phone calls etc.  The last several days have been consumed with thoughts of taking the step that I did yesterday.  So much so that I acted out and even binged a little much like a dieter will pig-out at a buffet the night before starting a new diet. I’m not proud of this but it is the truth and it is the truth I must face before I can get this addiction under control. Here is some Truth that I need to meditate on instead of the all the lies.

Isaiah 54:10, “‘Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,’ says the LORD, who has compassion on you.” (NIV)

To all of my followers here, especially the ladies, I am so very grateful for your support. The compassion and encouragement I have been showered with is, well, words escape me, let me just say the tears are flowing.  I don’t know what the future holds for me and M but it has got to be better than where we have been.  I love you all and again, Thank You!

Barney

 

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19 thoughts on “Baby Steps

  1. It is easy to say we are sorry, it is easy to say all the right things, but nothing…. NOTHING sends a message more than our actions. I get that you are struggling, but I bet your wife is dying. If you want to save her and your marriage, I don’t think there is any other way than cold turkey.

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