The Battle Rages

battle-in-my-head

the battle rages

the lies and the truth

they compete for dominance

in my heart and in my head

you can’t do anything right

you will never amount to anything

slowly morphed over time

into something much worse

you’re a real asshole

a fuck-up

a worthless piece of shit

now the struggle

to replace the lies

is taking place

every hour of every day

the Truth

I am Loved

I am Accepted

I am a Child of God

I am Redeemed

I am Forgiven

I am Clean

how long will it take

for the Truth to sink in

to both my heart

and my head?

how long before I feel worthy

of His Love?

Writers Note:  Falling Forward Sexual Addiction Recovery week Two, I am learning that my recovery is dependent on my relationship with God, the closer I draw to Him the better the chance for freedom from addiction, from feelings of self-loathing and worthlessness, from the lies that filled my life and led me to self-medicating with porn. I look forward to learning what it means to find true intimacy with M with the full knowledge that our relationship is in need of healing and that it may take quite awhile to rebuild the trust. I so look forward to learning what it truly feels like to Love and be Loved.  I can vividly remember that year in Scotland when I first bought the lie, crying myself to sleep every night begging someone to please love me, and then my father died. I was ripe pickings for the enemy. But God is Good! I may have been slow to respond, but He was there with me all along!

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14 thoughts on “The Battle Rages

  1. “I so look forward to learning what it truly feels like to Love and be Loved.”

    Truth, honesty, transparency, and a growing knowledge of the awareness of how this has affected your wife (that it makes the bottom of her world fall out from under her) is the path back to trust. Which can then lead to knowing, feeling, and experiencing this kind of love. Everything else is a cheap substitute and can never fulfill our longing for connection.

    You are on a good path. Keep drawing strength from the love waiting to be experienced with your wife! It is irreplaceable.

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    • Such wisdom, thank you so much. I’m not sure it even qualifies as a cheap imitation. All it did was lead to a deeper depression accompanied by a boatload of guilt and shame! And yes it certainly took a toll on her, in more ways than I know. It’s gonna be a long road I can’t wait to see what a real emotional/spiritual/physical
      relationship is really like!

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  2. The journey is a tough, yet delightful one my friend. The closer you get to God the more the enemy will pounce. Knowing this, and recognizing the evil for what it is, is half the battle. He will get into your mind and reek havoc… Just remember, when the whispers are telling you how loathsome you must be that they are NOT the whispers of anyone but Satan. Believing him is to let him win and that just won’t do.

    Congratulations on fighting the good fight and remember, God wins!! Lean on His strong loving arms and focus on Him and others…makes less time for Satan to dance in our heads. 🙏🏻😁

    Liked by 1 person

    • Lorra, thank you! The encouragement I receive her is priceless. Even though I know what you say is true for some reason I need to be constantly reminded. It is a battle and the enemy doesn’t want to leave quietly. I have made a big decision, for me anyway, to see a therapist. He employees Theophistic prayer healing. I just waiting on a return call to set up the first apt. He does a lot of training and may be out of town, I know, weird, no answering service? Check out : http://www.meadowshealingprayercenter.com I’ll keep ya posted. 😊 Barn

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  3. Lorra, thank you so much for your words of encouragement! They mean a lot to me. It’s a tough battle, he doesn’t want to let go but I know his voice now. God Is Good! ❤️🙂 Barney

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  4. Barney- hello again! I have a few questions for you. First, would you be ok with me sharing some of your posts on my site? I think they are very insightful and would be a true resource for my readers. Also, I have a selfish request, would you read this post https://honestchristianwoman.wordpress.com/2016/09/28/176/ and tell me if it is along what you’re learning about love? I have experienced that feeling of a complete and total reset in life, and just begging God to teach you what love is. I prayed for that six years ago, and this post is sort of what it has become.

    Also- you’re a very talented writer! And incredibly brave for putting yourself out there on this subject. I find it encouraging that you are so honest not only with your weaknesses, but also in your quest for strength in God. I can see in your writing that you have continued to grow in Him, even when some days it may not feel like it. Keep up the good work, and know that I am praying for you!

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  5. It makes me smile to see that you are seeking God and open and willing to allow Him to transform your life. He specializes in broken people. Ever hear a bible story about someone God used who was perfect? Put on your armor. You are in for one hell of a fight with the enemy. He does not like to lose. I battle him fiercely daily.

    “I so look forward to learning what it truly feels like to Love and be Loved.” Yes…me too. I hope someday I can experience this.

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  6. Hey FL, I don’t know what to call ya and Freelancer seems like a mouthful, even if I am typing. 😆 Do you have a nickname? I’m learning, not sure what else to say. You brought tears to my eyes. I think I need to take english again or at least find some grammer quick reference book.
    Feel free to repost anything of mine you wish. My thoughts about the purpose for the blog are evolving. I’m beginning to think I’m meant to chronicle my progress and struggles in recovery. I have been struck by how many women follow me and make positive encouraging comments and guys won’t say a thing. I didn’t expect silence from the men and truly thought I would be catching flaming arrows from the ladies.
    Thanks for the compliment, I have always doubted my abilities, part of the lie that I bought years ago ” Why can’t you do anything right?” I have found I am not afraid to cry anymore, it is healthy for me and often just a good release for something bottled up. I like writing but still find it has to be done when I’m in the write frame of mind (pun intended), I’m working on just sitting and doing it. And I’m trying to figure out my style
    I have a lot to learn about love and will be happy to read and comment on the article. Just give me a few days. This is my only real day off and I’m fitting in wordpress between a cardiac stress test and laundry befor M and I go to dinner and a movie (the stress test went very well! PTL!) I’m slowly learning just how bad the porn distorted everything I thought about life and love and sex. Also learning just how much pain is caused by separating ourselves from God when we are so mired down in sin. At least for me. I could keep rambling on but the washer is crying out for another load. 😆🕇💞 Barn

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