Turmoil

white mask

 

hard to let go

this habit of mine

afraid of

not being afraid

feeling shame for being unable

to not be ashamed

it has become such a part of me

i don’t know how to let go

i hear what others say

what scripture says

and yet

it would be

like losing an arm

or a leg

i know this sounds crazy

i am crazy

i can’t remember a time

i ever felt right

always awkward

never fit in

alone in a crowd

all those clichés

that’s me

the weird one

eccentric

strange

marching to a different drummer

my appearance to others on the outside

never quite matches what I feel inside

a mask for others

to hide the doubt and confusion

always wondering

where is home

where do i fit in

will i ever fit in

or am i destined

to always be alone

even in my marriage

will she ever really know me?

accept me?

love me?

or even want to ?

i crave her physical affection

yet i am not at all sure

that will ever happen

so try as i might

to lay down my guilt and shame

it is hard

to do so means

I have to learn to love myself

and that is harder still

Writers Note:  After writing this I feel as if I vomited.  It feels good to get it out, something I’ve held inside for so long but had to say.  Time to face it.  And now I cower over the keyboard hesitating to push the publish button.

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11 thoughts on “Turmoil

  1. Wow! This was powerful! I felt every word, I relate to your feelings! Are there millions of us walking around feeling alone in a crowd and with those we love? You are not alone in your feelings! It is so sad to feel this alone. And I must say, I do believe all that you deal with is so much harder for a man to navigate. You are so brave to open up and it is much needed. The reality of what men face desperately needs to be heard. So thank you for sharing this!

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    • Thank you Blue, I can’t say today’s culture is any harder for men than women but it is certainly not easy. Everything is so sexualized. I have stopped reading the erotica that friends post because I respect them and don’t want to think of them in that way. It’s hard trying to rewire my brain. Guess I’ll just take it minute by minute, hour by hour and hopefully the days and weeks will take care of themselves.🙂 Barn

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  2. This is an interesting perspective for me to read…life from the other side and what goes on in your head…maybe my husband also struggles in this way mentally and emotionally? I am wondering (and anticipating) that you will be very helpful to me on this side of things to put some words out there for him when he has none to share. I could also relate to a lot of your feelings in this on a very deep level. Especially…
    “my appearance to others on the outside

    never quite matches what I feel inside”

    Yes. Wearing a mask. Always. Or hiding so I don’t have to.

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  3. SK, don’t we all wear masks, really? Or hide, I believe both! I couldn’ t begin to tell you how to get your husband to open up, but I do believe he wants to. I think most guys just want to feel safe with their spouse. By that I mean that we want to feel respected and that we know that we won’t be humilated by your reactions to whatever comes out of our mouth. Right know I am struggling with hyper-sensitivity in regards to my wife. It takes me so much effort to want to share something from my heart with her that when I make the pitch and she rebuffs it I am shattered. It seems that everything is more important than what I wanted to share. We need to make time to really listen to one another or time will get away. If you want to learn more about what and how guys think search for Shaunti Feldhahn on youtube. Her social research is amazing, Blessings, Barn

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  4. You do fit in. You fit in with all of us who don’t feel we fit in, there must be millions of us.
    A beautiful heartfelt post, I could relate to so much. The bad feelings we grew up with were our normal and it is very hard to let them go…

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  5. Maybe you can’t fight them away. Maybe you will gradually be able to replace them with new and healthy thoughts and feelings, and they will let go on their own because you no longer need them…

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