my shame

it surrounds me

it goes before me

it touches everything I do

my every thought

my every intention

like an anchor

it holds me back

from the freedom I seek

the lightness of being I want

it’s heaviness

drags me down

back into the bog

the mud, the mire

i see it in her eyes

hear it in her voice

my broken heart

breaks yet again

with the knowledge

of what I have done

the shame

the suffering

the pain i inflicted on her

all in an attempt

to deal with my own pain

and now

it’s time to lose

this monstrous weight

this albatross

this millstone

to open up

to be vulnerable

to allow His light

to illuminate

my darkest

deepest recesses

to find healing

to let go

to let the past

be the past

and not control my future

i need His strength

i need courage

to take this step

and continue forward.

Writer’s Note:  I have taken a big scary step and started a recovery program for sexual addiction. To say I am nervous would be an understatement.  The level of openness and vulnerability that is being asked of me is frightening and yet I want to thank everyone here who has supported me in my attempt at poetry.  Opening up here was a start and has in many ways prepared me for this next step.  I can now see how my shame has held me back in every area of my life but most importantly in my relationship to God and to my wife. The two most important to me. So thank you, thank you for the likes, the comments and encouragement but most importantly for your Love and your Prayers.   Barney 

Image courtesy of Google Images.


13 thoughts on “Shame

  1. God calls you by your name. Satan calls you by your sin. God loves you. Satan hates you.
    We can overcome the pain because Jesus has already done it for us.
    You have our prayers and support.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you Sparky! Your prayers mean a lot to me. It’s going to be a tough road I’m sure but God is good and I have a lot of support. I’m sure it will lead to more ink, actually already has, new post coming tomorrow! ❤ Barn

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Blue, the Truth will, I’m just a bit of a slow learner, This Blog has helped me more than I can put into words. I am so grateful for those who follow and encourage me on a regular basis, I find it really amazing. Thank you for your openness and honesty in your own writing. It encourages me to keep going. Hugs, Barney


  4. I have nothing but admiration for your vulnerability and compassion for your situation. Keep writing and the healing will come.


    • Sydney, thank you for your kind words. You know some of the shame I feel comes from the realization that some of these websites victimized women. That is not a good feeling by any means. I truly support what you are doing with your website. Maybe, just maybe my vulnerabililty will cause other men to stop and think. Blessings, Barn

      Liked by 1 person

      • It will. I’ve seen it. Shame will destroy you. God has forgiven you for everything you’ve done and everything you will do. Big or small. He just wants you surrounded in love. Being vulnerable lets Him do that.

        Liked by 1 person

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