Scary

warrior I can do all things

 

Scary

scary

this move I’m about to make

more fearful still

because I’ve made it before

and failed

opening myself up

removing the veil

exposing the truth

for others to see

even me

i want to weave the veil

into an impenetrable canvas

through which no eye can see

even my own

afraid to fail

again

yet

i know

deep inside

where i’m vulnerable

to really heal

i must rip the veil from the mirror

and really look at myself

as God sees me

Tears form

at the corners of my eyes

the chicken wants control

to run and to hide

and yet, still

i know i must

face my demons and slay them

no more

living in fantasy

time for reality

so tiring, this

my mind

caught in a vortex of emotion

will i quit

will i run and hide

will i stand like a man

and fight for my heart

fight for my soul

Dear God

if ever i need your strength

I need you now!

Writers Note:  Another sleepless night. The weather outside is dreadful, a reflection of my soul.  I am about to enter a sexual addiction recovery program and I am completely unsettled.  It happened so fast. One day I see a posting on the internet.  The next day, application in hand, an interview. Time for confession, God I need help. And then I get word, Its delayed, only a few have signed up. First I feel relief, then terror, if it goes it may be a very small group, I won’t be able to hide. I need a miracle, if you believe in God, if you believe in miracles, pray for me, please! My hearts desire is to get my heart right, to get it right with God and to get it right with my wife, still with me after all these years, now that is a miracle! I dream of the day when she chooses, willing, to wrap me up in her arms.

 

 

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15 thoughts on “Scary

    • Thank you, Kay. I so appreciate all of your support. Being open about this helps me tremendously. It helps me to get past all the guilt and shame. My biggest fear it that M won’t accept me once I come out the other side. She has no idea how much I truly need her but I know that this part of my journey no one can walk for me, I can’t put that on her or anyone else. 😓 Barn

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      • From my perspective, it sure seems as if you have a healthy, honest view about it all, Barney. The only way to know….is to come out on the other side…..for both of you. 💜

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      • Yea, I just get the feeling she doesn’t wants our relationship restored like I do, in all aspects. I guess that is what leadership looks like in a marriage. I have to prove myself and show her the way. I don’t know. Now I’m just rambling, I just need to stop trying to figure it out and keep the faith. ❤ Barn

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  1. Barney, I know this is not an easy step. Please be sure that you are doing this for you! If you’re doing this for M, and she doesn’t respond the way you desire, it can foster resentment.
    Love to you as you move forward for you! ❤️

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