Thirteen little pills

Enough to do the trick?

Please, please release me

From this worlds’ Icy grip

Love me, love me I cry!

My head upon the bed

I am just a kid


An unlucky number

Maybe, not enough?

I almost didn’t publish this, a poem I rewrote from memory almost forty -six years later. However I thought it important to show, really to remind myself just how far I have come. While I still have suicidal thoughts on occasion I know that they are really not my own and I pay them no mind.  I am grateful for my God who watches over me, but on that day and in that moment I did not have eyes to see and still He was with me as I swallowed each and every one of those pills and waited to slip away.  In later years, in my law enforcement career I came face to face with the aftermath of suicide and knew in my heart I could never do that to my loved ones. My very first Death Investigation as a rookie cop was a suicide by a teen. My God in heaven wanted me to know.

I know the poem is short and abrupt but that is the point, isn’t it. That is the nature of suicide.  It seemingly comes out of no where with no warning or time to prepare or prevent. It leaves the living with no hope, no understanding and boatloads of guilt and often becomes it’s own legacy, living (how ironic) among friends and family for generations to come.

If you are having suicidal thoughts please know that their IS someone who loves you. Sometimes Faith and Hope is all we have but it is enough to get you through to another day.  Please call you closest friend, a pastor or a hotline.  Let Someone know what is in your heart and on your mind. Heck, shoot me an email but please know I don’t always get to them quickly so call this number first 1-800-273-TALK (8255) and you will be connected with a skilled, trained counselor in your area anytime 24/7.

John 14:27  Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.


5 thoughts on “Thirteen

    • Me too. Really just wanted the pain to stop. A navy psychiatrist had some fancy name for it years later. Situational psychosis or something. I’m real happy for you that you are learning so much about how and why you relate to men the way you do and the need to take care of yourself first. You are so valuable. I’m learning a lot about myself and my relationship with my wife that I’m not proud of. When
      you really clean the mirror well before looking in it it can be scary and sad. Learning to love myself the way God does has been the hardest thing. Like I wrote in my first or second post I think it was the size of the fight I saw in you that inspired me. You are fierce and I mean that in the best possible way. I’ m fortunate to call you friend!❤️ Barn

      Liked by 1 person

    • Yea I didn’t want to leave it hanging like I was still in that dark place, it has been very hard to push that button at times but I simply have to. To not do it would to return there.. I, m slowly finding my style I guess, thanks for the comment, it means a lot!


Comments are closed.